If you really stop and listen to your heart, to your intuition, what is it trying to tell you?
What do you need? What do you want? Are you holding back from doing something out of fear? Is it telling you to take the chance, that everything will work out as it is meant to?
For all of the mother’s out there celebrating Mother’s Day this weekend, what can you do to make Mother’s Day enjoyable for you? Do you need to buy yourself a gift, plan in some quiet time on the day, tell your partner what you need them to do on Mother’s Day (because they are not always good at guessing!), or do you need to lower your expectations? I had quite a lot of Mother’s Day’s where I felt disappointed that I couldn’t get the day I wished for… until I learnt that I needed to lower my expectations of others and do something for myself to make Mother’s Day more enjoyable for me!
What you you want people to remember about you? Is there one particular trait or thing that you want to be remembered by? Friendly, kind, funny, intelligent, your smile, your energy?
I haven’t written a post for a while, and haven’t really felt like it. This post is why. This is what I have been feeling and grieving and I just haven’t felt like I could write anything because this was what was in my mind, taking over my mind. The ache of wanting another baby.
Firstly, I want to acknowledge that this post may seem selfish to some. You may wonder why I can’t be grateful with what I have, why do I want more. I completely recognise that I am extremely lucky to have three children, extremely. I know many people would just like to be able to have one child and here I am with three, saying I am grieving not having another. I can’t imagine their pain and grief.
My youngest child is 3. I tried to convince myself when I was pregnant that I did not want any more children. It didn’t work. I have had an ache for a fourth child that just hasn’t seemed to go away no matter how much I wish it would.
Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t have the same desire. He is done. I do not feel like I am. It is a horrible place to be in, for both of us I am sure. I think I thought he would change his mind. I wanted him to so much that I think I forgot to consider how he really felt and his reasons and just focused on my intense need for another child.
The intensity of my wanting another child has been so strong, so primal for me. An ache that is there in my chest, in my gut, an ache that can bring tears to my eyes easily.
I wish I was one of the women who could say that I knew I was finished having children. I imagine it would make it a lot easier. Instead I have felt consumed at times by my need, and by my grief at knowing that this will not be my reality. That there will be no more children for me. No more growing a baby in my belly. No more feeling them squirm in my belly. No more birthing babies. No more nights where I feel like I am awake all night feeding a baby. No more falling in love with a little person I have birthed. No more watching a new little life that we have created develop and grow. There have been many, many tears.
I am coming to a place of acceptance. Acceptance that I will not get to do these things again with my own child. Acceptance that my husband does not want any more children and I need to respect his decision. Acceptance that I do not want to change his mind, I do not want him to resent me. Acceptance that I am grieving the end of my baby growing years.
It isn’t easy, and I still feel deeply sad about this. But I will be ok. I will hold my children extra tight and be grateful for them and all the beautiful, crazy, mischievous, wonderful things they do. I will choose to try to look forward to getting a full night’s sleep and to a new season of my life. A season of growing children rather then babies. I will look forward to new nieces and nephews coming in to my life and being able to get my baby fix from them. I will be ok…. Eventually. And my tears flow….
We are halfway through Autumn here in Australia and in Melbourne we seem to have come to the end of our warm weather. The leaves are changing colour and beginning to fall from the trees. Soon, the colder weather of winter will be here.
Do you have a list of things you want to do in Autumn (or Spring if you are in the Northern hemisphere) before the season ends?
I want to take the kids on a picnic, enjoy the dry sunny days while we still have them, take a day trip to another zoo, sit in the park drinking coffee with a friend, play with the kids in the fallen leaves, and get some gardening done.
What is on your Autumn bucket list?
The full moon tonight provides the perfect opportunity to release and let go of anything that no longer serves you anymore. By that I mean emotions,thoughts, ideas, beliefs, relationships or things that do not benefit you any longer. Letting go of some of these things can make space in your life for new things to enter your life.
What do you need to let go of to make room for the new, or to give you peace? Forgiveness is a way of letting go also, is there someone you need to forgive? Or something you need to forgive yourself for?
What five things (or more) are you grateful for today? A few months ago I wrote on the blog about how a daily gratitude practice has helped me. You can read it here.
This post is part of my weekly self discovery question series. You can find the rest of the weekly questions here.
I have been reflecting on the similarities between me now and me as a teenager. I started this blog post months ago when I was recognising similarities between myself and my teenage daughter. Today I was listening to music that I listened to all the time as a teenager and it reminded me of this post. Excuse the quality of the photo! This was taken in 1994 when I was all of 13 and probably thought I knew everything.
Listening to the music today (Nirvana), I felt like me. It felt good.
I think I probably stopped listening to the music that I liked as often because I had kids and my taste wasn’t exactly their taste. And honestly, it probably wasn’t exactly the music most of my friends and family were listening to either.
My music taste is similar. The other day I was making a playlist of songs that make me feel most like ‘me’. My music taste has always been a little unlike most of my friends and probably still is. Metallica, Guns n Roses, Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chilli Peppers still all make the list (as they have since I was 12) and some country-ish music thrown in occasionally for something different. My Cher phase has passed however…. Although now that I have remembered my pre-teen love of Cher I may find myself looking for a Cher playlist on Spotify!
My taste in clothing hasn’t really changed much. I still wear mostly black much to my family’s insistence that I become more colourful. I still own a denim jacket and I still only wear makeup if I am going to something fancy.
I was a messy teenager… nothing much has changed there. I was always 10 minutes late…. Now I would say I am always running late but generally get there right on time. Except kinder… always late to an 8.30am kinder start.
I was shy but once I felt comfortable I could talk and talk and talk. Nothing much has changed there.
I used to write and read all of the time. I would develop characters and stories and draw the characters and what they were wearing. I kept a journal with all my secrets. I only took up journaling again about two years ago and have only been writing this blog for a few months and still finding my writing style but I am doing it. When I was working as a Social Worker I used to love the part where I had to write up my client’s life stories.
I have always been a kind person and sensitive to other people. I think that I lost it a little when my youngest two were very small because I felt so ‘needed’ by my family constantly that I didn’t have the emotional space to be there as much as I normally would for others. Hopefully now that has come back, it feels like it has.
I have always been highly sensitive. To smell, sound, emotions, other people’s needs and feelings, to events in the world.
I wanted to work ‘helping people’. I still think that this is my purpose.
My hair…. Hasn’t changed much at all, except some grey ones!
I would never begin a conversation. I would now.
My self-confidence is higher.
I used to hate being introverted. Now I accept that as part of me and work with it.
I have realised life is so much more complicated than I thought as a teenager.
I used to love a microwaved tomato and cheese croissant at school. Now only a toasted one will suffice.
In reflection, I am probably pretty similar to how I was as a teenager, with a few positive changes. There are a few things like listening to the music I love that I need to remember to do more.
How similar are you to the teenage version of you?
What do you need to do this week to look after yourself?
If you need some ideas check out one of the first blog posts I wrote on the importance of self-care here.