What Are You Looking Forward To Most Right Now?

 

What are you looking forward to the most right now?

I am looking forward to spending a week in warm, sunny north Queensland in a few weeks time. Sun, warmth, family, beach and relaxing by the pool… sounds perfect to me! Oh and my sister is getting married up there too which I am very much looking forward to. Family holiday to the beach plus a family wedding, it will be a lot of fun!

Not Enough

I’m not good enough, not good at that, not talented enough, not outgoing enough, not clever enough, not enough.

I am not sure about you but ‘not enough’ thoughts have been part of my thought process for as long as I can remember. It has eased a little over the years but recently I noticed that it was back big time. Most of the reasons that were coming up for me as to why I hadn’t written a blog post for a long time were centered around ‘not enough” thoughts. “I am not a good enough writer”, “why would anyone read what I write when there are so many better writers out there” etc.

I almost talked myself out of applying for a job that I think would have worked for me well right now because I told myself that I wasn’t good enough to even have a chance. If I am honest, I let the ‘not enough’ thoughts stop me from doing lots of things.

I am guessing that most of us get these thoughts sometimes to varying degrees. Do you? Do we do it because we really think that we are not good enough? Is it our sense of self-worth? Because we are scared to step out of our comfort zone? Because we have been told that we are not enough by others? Because we have been told we are too much of something by others? Because we have been conditioned to think that it is not ok to think positively about ourselves? I certainly remember being told at school that I thought I was “too good” for other people or “up myself”.

I suspect it is a combination of all of the above and more.

So what do I (or we) do about it? For me, once I realise what I am doing (like now), I try to challenge those thoughts. Am I really a ‘not good enough’ writer? I suspect I am never likely to publish anything anywhere other than this blog but this is just a blog, it isn’t about perfect writing, it is about my thoughts. Why would anyone want to read what I write when there are so many other great blogs out there? Why do I care so much? What I need to do is just write when I want to, people can choose to read it… or not. I cannot control it. Am I really not good enough to apply for that job? What evidence do I have that I am not good enough to do the job? None. What evidence do I have that shows that I can? Um… maybe the several years of doing a very similar job!

Not enough thinking comes up in our parenting. We have a bad day and yell at the kids, we don’t feel that we feed them enough vegetables, we can’t afford the latest gadgets that the kids want – we tell ourselves that we are not a good enough parent. I want to ask you to look at the evidence which says that you are good enough. Are your kids fed? Are they happy? Clothed? Safe? Are you doing the best that you can? Then you are a good enough parent!

Next time you are telling yourself you are ‘not enough’, challenge those thoughts. Find the evidence that says that you are good enough. That is my plan anyway! It won’t always work but if we do it regularly enough maybe we can change our thoughts from ‘not enough’ to knowing that we are enough.

 

What Can You Do To Make Mother’s Day Enjoyable For You?

mothers day

 

For all of the mother’s out there celebrating Mother’s Day this weekend, what can you do to make Mother’s Day enjoyable for you? Do you need to buy yourself a gift, plan in some quiet time on the day, tell your partner what you need them to do on Mother’s Day (because they are not always good at guessing!), or do you need to lower your expectations? I had quite a lot of Mother’s Day’s where I felt disappointed that I couldn’t get the day I wished for… until I learnt that I needed to lower my expectations of others and do something for myself to make Mother’s Day more enjoyable for me!

 

The Ache of Wanting Another Baby

ache of wanting another baby

I haven’t written a post for a while, and haven’t really felt like it. This post is why. This is what I have been feeling and grieving and I just haven’t felt like I could write anything because this was what was in my mind, taking over my mind. The ache of wanting another baby.

Firstly, I want to acknowledge that this post may seem selfish to some. You may wonder why I can’t be grateful with what I have, why do I want more. I completely recognise that I am extremely lucky to have three children, extremely. I know many people would just like to be able to have one child and here I am with three, saying I am grieving not having another. I can’t imagine their pain and grief.

My youngest child is 3. I tried to convince myself when I was pregnant that I did not want any more children. It didn’t work. I have had an ache for a fourth child that just hasn’t seemed to go away no matter how much I wish it would.

Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t have the same desire.  He is done. I do not feel like I am. It is a horrible place to be in, for both of us I am sure. I think I thought he would change his mind. I wanted him to so much that I think I forgot to consider how he really felt and his reasons and just focused on my intense need for another child.

The intensity of my wanting another child has been so strong, so primal for me. An ache that is there in my chest, in my gut, an ache that can bring tears to my eyes easily.

I wish I was one of the women who could say that I knew I was finished having children. I imagine it would make it a lot easier. Instead I have felt consumed at times by my need, and by my grief at knowing that this will not be my reality. That there will be no more children for me. No more growing a baby in my belly. No more feeling them squirm in my belly. No more birthing babies. No more nights where I feel like I am awake all night feeding a baby. No more falling in love with a little person I have birthed. No more watching a new little life that we have created develop and grow. There have been many, many tears.

I am coming to a place of acceptance. Acceptance that I will not get to do these things again with my own child. Acceptance that my husband does not want any more children and I need to respect his decision. Acceptance that I do not want to change his mind, I do not want him to resent me. Acceptance that I am grieving the end of my baby growing years.

It isn’t easy, and I still feel deeply sad about this. But I will be ok. I will hold my children extra tight and be grateful for them and all the beautiful, crazy, mischievous, wonderful things they do. I will choose to try to look forward to getting a full night’s sleep and to a new season of my life. A season of growing children rather then babies. I will look forward to new nieces and nephews coming in to my life and being able to get my baby fix from them. I will be ok…. Eventually. And my tears flow….

Write an Autumn Bucket List

autumn bucket listWe are halfway through Autumn here in Australia and in Melbourne we seem to have come to the end of our warm weather. The leaves are changing colour and beginning to fall from the trees. Soon, the colder weather of winter will be here.
Do you have a list of things you want to do in Autumn (or Spring if you are in the Northern hemisphere) before the season ends?
I want to take the kids on a picnic, enjoy the dry sunny days while we still have them, take a day trip to another zoo, sit in the park drinking coffee with a friend, play with the kids in the fallen leaves, and get some gardening done.
What is on your Autumn bucket list?